Depressive on @weheartit.com - http://whrt.it/10qvGgT
(explicit content - reader discretion is advised)
Haven’t slept all night. This time its anxiety concerning my vacation. Am I going to get everything done in time? Oil change, brake pads, tire rotation, alignment, interior and exterior detail, and inspection sticker. Thinking about it makes me wanna scream! And packing for two weeks away from home - aahhhh! I try to calm my mind with the thoughts of the spa and resort in North Carolina. Facial and massage and jacuzzi here I come! But then I think about how many hours I have to drive and the fact that my vision is blurred by my meds and frankly that scares the shit outta me. I tell myself what they don’t know won’t hurt them. I wish I could enjoy this adventure with Rob. Last time in Clearwater :-( I can really only hope for a success.
Shame is not a natural human emotion but rather a learned behavior.
my vacation cannot come soon enough. i just want to feel joy for a little while. hoping a week lying on the beach and wading in the clear waters with give me a little comfort, both physically and mentally. i need peace.
its only noon and already a terrible day. test results coming back from mass general are not looking great. my arms are becoming more painful, my legs are gradually getting stiffer, and the use of my hands is more and more limited as days go on. i wish they could just pinpoint whats wrong. this is not the life i want to live. i cant even drive myself to the gym anymore. i cant hold the steering wheel and between the neuro, pain, and psych meds i can barely walk without falling over and stairs are virtually impossible. im now in a place where i feel ive officially lost everything. my whole life ive taken care of everyone else and now when im in need theres no one willing to return the favor.
sometimes i want to just give up. what do i really have to live for anyhow? the person i had considered my best friend broke my heart with her betrayal against me and my family. i can never be with the man i love because our past has defined our future. my family ship has sailed and i know id just drown if i tried to catch it. all i want to do is cry but im numb.
theres this guy - we really dig each other. in typical fashion its complicated. normally he would be unquestionably off limits. ive done it once before - dated a friends ex. it was the best relationship of my life. go figure.
i just dont know what to do…
"Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end."